August 28, 2008

• A brief history: Lawn Decor

  It is always amazing to me the amount of crap that people put up in their yard as decoration. Right now people around where I live are putting mannequins in their yard with clothes on them to simulate the "I am always in Garden" joke they are probably telling their friends or maybe just to freak me out.

  Most lawn ornaments I just want to take a baseball bat to. I had friends in college who used to go around their own neighborhoods during Christmas and put the ornaments in comprimising positions such as reindeers humping.

  Looking at those mannequins in the garden got me thinking so I decided to reveal a section I like to call:

  The Garden Gnome: Landmarks in the history of Lawn Ornaments (according to my rumblings through Google)
  

  The Gazing Ball - Circa 13th Century in Italy
  
  My personal favorite, supposedly able to ward off witches...witch can be a problem. (oh yeah I made that pun) These are acceptable if done tastefully as seen above. Also in this category you can put birdhouses and bird bath/feeders, some can look pretty good.

  The Garden Gnome - Circa Mid 1800's in Germany
   
  Fun Facts about the Lawn Gnome I found on wikipedia
  1) The garden gnome was known to help the garden at night when people were asleep.
  2) The practice of stealing garden gnomes is also sometimes referred to as "Gnome Hunting".
  3) If you knock three times on their head they will in turn do an authentic German Dance and give you a penny.

  The Groomsman or the Lawn Jockey - Circa mid-1800's in good ole U.S.A? (wins prize for most Racist Lawn Ornament, also comes in white)
  
  This statue makes me laugh, it reminds me of that Chappelle skit where Dave plays the milkman for the NIGGAR family.
  
  The lawn jockey story goes that he was General George Washington's soldier (who was actually black, his name was Jacko) who froze to death holding a lantern waiting for his general's return. Mr. Washington was so moved he had a statue made of this figure and put it out next to his mailbox. He then got in his Lexus and drove to the store to pick up a couple issues of Hustler. People still debate this story, because it has infinitely more importance than things like cancer or world hunger.

  The Pink Flamigo - Latin name: Flamingas rubras subs. Fakus - Circa 1957 by the proud U.S.A
  
  Little fun facts about the Pink Flamingo
  1) They briefly stopped making Pink Flamingo's in 2006 and started again in 2007. They say that if you can find one in between this period the Antiques Road Show come to your house and award you 10 million dollars.
  2) If you knock 3 times on the head of the pink flamingo Don Johnson will come over and sing the song "Eye of the Tiger" by Survivor on your front lawn. You are only allowed one and only one time to do so...so you better make it worth it.

  Seasonal Ornaments - Circa 19??
  
  

  I believe the worst version of seasonal ornaments are those damn inflatable ones that seemed to be multiplying, probably due to the mating that college kids initiate.(see above) I do wish to deflate these via stabbing. They look like this:
  

  The "Bending Over" Ornament - Circa 1950's?
  
  You just don't see these anymore, which in most ways is better for us all but somewhat sad.

  So there you have it. They have defined generations, been subjects of numerous divorce fights and the butt of countless jokes including my attempts but still none-the-less a part of our silly little history on this earth and by earth I mean trailer parks

  ...just kidding

  ...no I am not

  ...ok so I am kidding

  ...maybe...

  • 1:14 pm
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